So three months happens. And the magical easiness I thought would appear, just didn’t.
And I was pissed. In that first week, my mother kept trying to make plans, and I remember, I kept telling her, let’s not think about this on day 1, let’s think about this after three months or so.
So, great, I’d lied to my mother, and life was still incredibly difficult.
I talk to a friend. I tell him I think that I never ever understood how this worked before. And I think I mean death but maybe I mean loss. How it turns out that this is not an intellectual concept. How the whole thing is just so not doable. Emotionally. Like, it’s not an amount of pain that one can handle. But then, you just have to do it anyway, but then, you just have to do it anyway. Or what? I say, kill yourself?
I tell him, I understand now, why people drink after this.
He tells me he thinks he gets it too.
I tell him that I still want to call him all the time. And sometime I do. Because the rest of the time I forget because I just have to. To survive right now. But then I pick up the phone and my world crumbles suddenly all over again.
In some ways it actually has become easier. Easier it not really the right word. But I am able to have more time in a day where losing him is true. More time that I don’t have to lie to myself to be Okay.
When you study a language, sometimes you are not in class, and you are not studying. You go to speak in your first language, and the wrong word comes out. You reach for the word onion and saboya comes out and you are just as shocked as those around you. Because you didn’t know that you knew it. But suddenly the truth of saboya is just as valid as the truth of onion. It’s like that.
It’s interesting, because in some ways it has forced me to let go of a lot. It has forced me to trust other people and their experiences much more than I used to. I have to have this ridiculous faith thing. Clearly they have survived, haven’t they? Even though it is not provable, nor scientific, I have to have faith that they are surviving. So, too, shall I.
